If you've been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won't be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave. Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it's the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can't work through them.
For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life— and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can't get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage.
If they aren't addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage. Sometimes couples have what we call an "erotic conflict. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner.
For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy.
Likewise, a person's sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner. In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires think of a Venn diagram , but occasionally there is none.
Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren't desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you're both willing to work together.
We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it's common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.
Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships , having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult.
All of these are normal and common experiences. If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You're not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn't have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.
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You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome email in your inbox! Main Navigation. Log in Profile. Saved Articles. For someone who only discovers once in the marriage that they are asexual, discovering this identity can provide a lot of relief to both the person who identifies as ace [asexual], as well as their partner: the tension around the ace partner not wanting sex suddenly has a reason that is not related to the relationship itself. What are some of the common causes of sexless marriages?
There are usually two big reasons. What can often happen with that mismatch is that the person who desires sex more asks and initiates; when the other person says no, they start to feel rejected. And no one wants to feel rejected, so they slowly stop asking.
The other thing that also happens is that you have some sort of life milestone that makes sex difficult. Maybe you have kids, who are taking more of your time and attention. Maybe you got laid off at work.
Or maybe you have pain during sex. Couples whose sexual desires are simply too incompatible? What do you do then? Yes, which I why I encourage couples to review their sexual history together. What peak sexual experiences have you had? That way you can learn more about what you need to have sex that you enjoy.
Does that mean we need to be creative about how we get our intimate needs met? Or do we need to go outside of this relationship? How should partners communicate about desire discrepancies? I've never been stunning, but now I saw myself as somehow defective. It became the most significant issue in our relationship, as I was ready for a family, even though our sex life was practically non-existent.
I'd try all different strategies to make him want me. Michelle hoped counseling would help, but Mark refused to go. Source: iStock Source:Whimn. About four years into our marriage, I finally confided in my sister about how desperate I'd become, even threatening to sleep with somebody else.
She suggested that Mark was either gay, having an affair, or didn't want children. Whenever I broached it with Mark, he was categoric in his denial. He had never had any sex outside of our relationship.
He wanted a family but just not right now as running his company put an enormous amount of pressure on him. He told me that the more I hassled him, the more he went off sex. I internalised this as being my fault. Then I'd drop it again before months would pass, and the same cycle would start again. My sister said we needed professional help. I'd often pleaded with Mark to go to the doctor to see if it was a physiological issue like a hormonal imbalance or to see a sex therapist , together as a couple.
He'd agree, but when it got closer, he'd make some lame excuse. Eventually, I secretly went to see a sex therapist alone. She told me she believed he was Asexual. I had to decide whether, at the age of 32, I could resign myself to a sexless marriage and kiss that part of my life goodbye entirely. Turns out Mark had been spending money on cam-girls. Then I used Mark's laptop. He'd left a Paypal tab open. It linked to an account that wasn't with the usual bank we used. Over the previous four years, he'd been paying out money to different companies.
Then I looked through his browsers history and found that he'd been numerous on cam sites. He wasn't A-sexual at all. The betrayal was sickening.
I'd been made to feel like I was some sex pesterer and he'd been getting his needs met from various women online. When I confronted him, he lied again but then couldn't dispute what had been going on. He eventually had to admit what he'd been doing, but he couldn't explain why.
I tried to make it work with him for a few months, but I think by then, I was done.
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